The Real Life of the Akatsuki
by Grant Piper
Summary: The Akatsuki are a band of fearsom criminals listed Sclass in the Bingo book. Or are they? Find out what happens when you cram ten evil master ninjas in one tiny hideout. What is the real life of the Akatsuki?
1. Chapter 1

The Real Life of the Akatsuki

_Chapter One: Bathroom Fun_

"Deidara stop hogging the bathroom! You've been in there for almost an hour." Uchiha Itachi was banging on the door to the Akatsuki hideouts only bathroom. Itachi was wearing a towel with dancing cookies on it; his messy black hair was hanging in his face and his eyes were red and sleepy. Itachi was irritated; he had been standing in the hallway for the past hour listening to Deidara belt out whatever song came to his small mind. It was torture. It was 8:10am. Itachi had planned to be done by now. "Jeez, get out of the bathroom already."

"Awwwh but my hands haven't brushed their teeth yet." Deidara whined from the bathroom. Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Fine but make it quick. I need bathroom time too you know." Itachi ran his hand through his greasy hair. "If I don't get premium bathroom time my hair will get frizzy. I GET ANGRY WHEN MY HAIR IS FRIZZY!" Itachi pounded on the door again.

"Ok, ok don't get snappy. I'm almost done." Deidara's voice was strangely chipper. "Come on in, my hand mouths just have to rinse."

"Finally!" muttered Itachi as he reached for the door knob. He was about to open it when he heard a strange chewing noise leaking out of the door. He paused for a second wondering what Deidara was up to. "It's just his hand mouths rinsing" thought Itachi. Suddenly a random giggle came from the door and Itachi narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"Ok done. You can come on in Itachi-san." Itachi was so relieved to be able to finally use the bathroom he forgot his suspicions about Deidara. Itachi pulled the black door open with haste. _BANG_! A tiny clay insect jumped up and exploded on Itachi's nose. It was a small explosive insect, a specialty of Deidara. The force of the explosion had caused Itachi's hair to stand on end, and it blew his towel off his body and clear to the other side of the hallway. It was too small to do any real damage to Itachi but it was still hurtful to his pride and nerves.

Deidara stuck his head out the smoking door frame and examined Itachi with his electronic eye. Deidara burst out laughing at the sight of him. Itachi was naked with wide eyes, his hair stood up in all directions. He wore an expression of shock and discomfort that would be seen on a three year old that had recently wet himself. Deidara collapsed to the floor with tears rolling down his cheeks. He was bright red and just couldn't stop.

Slowly Itachi's shocked expression turned to rage. His dark brown eyes slowly turned red as they transformed into his three pronged Sharingan. Suddenly Deidara stopped laughing and regained his composure. "Sorry Itachi-san won't happen again. I promise. Artists word." He coolly strolled out of the bathroom and turned left to head for breakfast. Before Deidara continued down the hall he stopped "Nice hair by the way." At these words Itachi's hand shot to his head as he felt his hair that was now extremely unruly.

"Damn it Deidara why do you have to be so immature? If it get my hands on you I'll beat your artistic ass into another realm. Literally." Itachi's towel flew and hit him in the face gagging him.

"Can't kill what you can't catch." Deidara giggled and ran down the hallway. Itachi ripped the towel off his face and threw it down in anger.

"Mangenkyo Sharingan!" Itachi's eyes morphed into the infamous jagged star of his Mangenkyo Sharingan. Itachi turned his malicious gaze down the hallway and just barely caught a glimpse of Deidara at the end of the hallway. He tried to send Deidara to the "nightmare realm", world of one thousand terrors, but he hit the blue pot at the end of the hallway instead. The plant in the pot wilted and died when Itachi's evil gaze fell upon it. (The plant in the pot was, for some unknown reason, named Uki-san by Tobi.)

Deidara rushed around the corner and disappeared but his hand reappeared a second later with and evil grin. It smiled even wider then let out a nice long, wet raspberry special for Itachi before following the rest of Deidara around the corner.

Itachi just stood there for a few seconds before he realized that he was standing naked in the middle of the hallway with his Sharingan activated. He felt stupid as he marched back to the bathroom. He was so furious that he forgot to put his towel back on. He shuffled into the bathroom and slammed the door.

The tiny bathroom was a mess. It was pink tiled (Zetsu's strange idea.) with black floor mats. A slimy looking sink stood near the door. It was also pink. Nasty old tooth brushes and combs sat in the sink collecting the oozing muck that was slowing sliding to the bottom. A layer of greasy water covered the floor while piles of Deidara's clothes lied around soaking it up. The tiny shower stood against the back wall. Wads of blond and brown hair sat bubbling in the bottom of the shower. Itachi was repulsed by the sight. Suddenly Itachi's gaze fell upon the pink toilet in the corner. It was shiny and clean for reasons Itachi couldn't explain. He carefully tread over the nasty water and clothes to reach the toilet which seemed to beckoning to his bladder which was now suddenly feeling very full.

The toilet seemed to be the only clean thing in the entire bathroom, which was great news for Itachi and his bladder.

Itachi stood naked in front of the toilet ready to relive his aching bladder. He was about to let it all out when the toilet began to shudder and vibrate. "What now?" thought Itachi. Suddenly the vibrating stopped and something large and darkish green began to rise out of the porcelain bowl. It was the large toothed head of Zetsu the human fly trap. He was one with the toilet as his black and white head rose out of it. Zetsu was also naked and was holding his rubber ducky Plucky and a back scrubber.

"Oh Itachi-san! I did not know it was your turn to use the bathroom this morning." His voice was deep but sounded far away. "Where did Deidara-san go? He invited me to a rubber ducky tea party this morning but now it seems he's not here." Zetsu held up his bright yellow rubber ducky Plucky and squeezed him making him squeak.

"He ran off to breakfast." Said Itachi impatiently, "I think I'm not sure. Now I'm kind of naked so can you leave? Now!" Itachi waved his hand at Zetsu as if to shoo him away.

Zestu's black face frowned but the white side kept smiling. "Well I suppose so but me and Plucky were really looking forward to the tea party." Plucky nodded in agreement. "Bye Itachi-san, if you see Deidara tell him that me and Plucky would like a word."

"Sure, whatever bye!" Itachi was growing irate.

"Good-bye Itachi-san" Zetsu's white face winked at Itachi as Zetsu sank back into the toilet which he came from. Itachi shuddered and looked down. He no longer had to use the bathroom.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two: Breakfast Time_

Itachi-san came out of the bathroom slightly refreshed but still thoroughly disturbed by the whole Zetsu encounter. It was 9:14am and Itachi still had one minutes before breakfast was served. Breakfast was served everyday at exactly 9:15am, no earlier and certainly no later. Breakfast had always been served at 9:15. Only one person ever went to breakfast early and he never returned.

Orochimaru had been one of the original ten Akatsuki members. Orochimaru, the baddest of the bad, or so he thought. Orochimaru joined the Akatsuki to obtain power enough to overthrow the village of the Hidden Leaf. Konohagakure. Orochimaru was one the Sanin of legend. The Snake King.

Orochimaru's very first breakfast in the Akatsuki hideout included one of Kisame's oat flake muffins. Just one. Every morning Kisame would wake up at 5am and bake his team-wide favorite muffins. He would start at five and end at six thirty. Kisame would then go and sleep some more when his muffins cooled until breakfast at 9:15am.

Orochimaru took a bite of this soft, delicious, gooey muffin and immediately fell in love with them. It was the best thing he had ever tasted. The only problem was Itachi was also in love with Kisame's muffins ♥. Every morning Itachi would rush to breakfast and eat all of Kisame's oat flake muffins. He would stuff all of them down, one after another. No one dared to get near him when he was enjoying the wonders of Kisame's muffins.

Every morning Orochimaru would stroll in just seconds after Itachi just to find out that all the muffins had already been eaten. Orochimaru shrugged it off every morning and told himself "Next morning the muffins will be mine for sure. Itachi's got to sleep in sometime." That day never came. Every morning Itachi would eat every last oat flake muffin. Every morning Orochimaru left breakfast sad and hungry. Finally after months and months of this horrific routine Orochimaru snapped and broke the most sacred and revered Akatsuki rule. Never go to breakfast before 9:15.

Orochimaru thought he would be clever and try to sneak into breakfast before everyone else and get a piece of those cooling little muffins. He woke up an hour early got dressed and showered before anyone else and waited for Kisame to finish his muffins. At 6:30am exactly Kisame left the kitchen covered in flour wearing a super big smile. Kisame turned down the hallway humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like a song from _The Wiggles._

Orochimaru watched Kisame turn down the hall and out of sight. As soon as Kisame was gone Orochimaru hurried into the kitchenette and dining room and saw the steaming brown muffins sitting on the counter. The counters were green and the walls were tan. The room was large and square holding a giant table big enough to hold all ten Akatsuki members. The golden brown exterior of the muffins cried out to Orochimaru. "Eat us we're delicious. Eat us now!" Orochimaru heard these voices and sauntered over to them.

"Don't worry my babies, I'll do anything you want just don't go anywhere. My precious babies." Orochimaru bent over the muffins inhaling their addictive odor. "I love you he muttered. I love you so much." Slowly his hand involuntarily rose and grabbed a still steaming muffin. He stuffed it into his mouth all at once. The warm taste flowed down his throat like a tasty river of lava. After this small taste of muffin he couldn't stop. One by one he stuffed the cooling muffins into his mouth. Crumbs and spit flew in all directions but still Orochimaru couldn't stop.

After he had stuffed the last muffin into his mouth he reached for another but felt only empty air. Orochimaru looked around for more but only saw eggs and bacon. MMMMmmmm eggs. Orochimaru left the empty plate on the counter and went over to the eggs and began to stuff all of those into his mouth too.

By 9:15 Orochimaru had not only eaten the muffins like he intended but he had also eaten every last crumb of other food in the kitchen. After finishing a big plate of sausages he looked up for more food and saw the nine angry faces of hungry Akatsuki members.

"Erh, good morning guys. Funny story about the food…a big uhm thing came and erh ate something." His words died in his throat. Orochimaru's black robes were covered in crumbs and chunks of food. The room was filled with the sound of cracking knuckles as the angry circle closed in on the fat snake.

Orochimaru never came back to the Akatsuki. Heck he never was the same again. He developed a strange fear of girls and developed a strong liking for little boys with black hair.

Itachi trudged on toward breakfast smiling at the funny memory. The hallway split at the end and Itachi turned left and went through a large black door into breakfast. The room was almost full already. Itachi strolled in and immediately went for the muffins. (Orochimaru was the last person to touch Itachi's muffins.) He ate them all in one standing then sat down to watch Deidara eat. Itachi loved watching Deidara eat.

Every member of the Akatsuki ate in there own special way. Kisame ate a greenish blue soup by putting his whole head into the bowl and slurping super loud. Hidan began eating strange shaped limbs he pulled from inside his robes. Kakuzu ate threads and needles. His stitches rippled in pleasure as he munched on the threads. Zetsu ate human shaped pancakes since Pein wouldn't let him eat real people. Konan ate paper cranes she folded herself. Tobi just sat there muttering to himself under his breath. Sasori ate blocks of hard black wood which crackled under his touch.

Pein sat with a wide grin as he ate Evil O'z. Pein loved Evil O'z, the delicious breakfast cereal that provided a well balanced breakfast for all evil doers. The Evil O'z box was black with red stripes. Evil O'z are a sugared cereal with evil little faces on them. Every one loved Evil O'z. A surprise hid in every box from knives, to swords, to voodoo dolls and needles. Evil O'z has it all.

For some reason Pein seemed to be enjoying his Evil O'z a little too much. Strange grunting and wheezing sounds were coming from the bowl. He was shoveling in way too many little O'z. Milk flew everywhere, it was a mess. Suddenly Pein fell backwards to the floor. He was no longer moving. Grunting came from his throat as he lie on the floor choking on those evil little O'z. Pein seemed to have choked and he was now dying. No one rushed over to help they were too busy eating. Besides everyone wanted the surprise in side Pein's box for whoever held the prize inside was the most evil leader of the Akatsuki. Pein clawed around on the floor. Suddenly he gasped fell limp and died. Pein the most evil person on earth had died from Evil O'z the most evil breakfast food on the face of the planet. Its evil vs. evil at breakfast time. As soon as Pein died everyone directed there gaze to the Evil O'z box. They all wanted the prize inside.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3: Chore List_

Pein was dead. The body lay there mouth agape, eyes staring yet unseeing. The other nine Akatsuki members just sat and stared. They were not staring at Pein who was going bad on the floor. They were staring at the Evil O'z box and thinking of the prize inside. They all just stared intensely at the box as if they wanted to burn a hole through it. Suddenly they all lept over the table to the box and ringed it all striking various battle poses. Some drew weapons such as swords and kunai knives, others concentrated their Chakara into places it was needed. All were ready to fight for the prize inside.

"Wait, hold everything!" Itachi yelled clutching his sword "We'll all get a shot at the prize inside but first…" All the members lowered their weapons a little bit, only a little bit and stared at Itachi. "First we all have to do our chores." At the sound of these words weapons were lowered and Chakara fizzled away. Audible groans and complaints rose from the crowd of criminals.

They had to do their chores everyday or else. Or else what? Well nobody really knew but after the Orochimaru incident no one wanted to find out either. Itachi pulled out a jet black notebook from inside his robe and opened it. "Ok now let's see." Muttered Itachi as he leafed through the black notebook. "Ah found it."

Chores

(In the event Pein dies use this chore list)

Deidara & Sasori – Clean Bathroom

Itachi and Kisame – Grocery Shopping

Kakuzu & Hidan – Scrub Floors

Tobi & Zetsu – Dishes

Konan – Dispose of Body

"Ok here's the deal!" Itachi put the notebook back inside his robe pocket. "Deidara and Sasori are going to clean the mess in the bathroom."

"Awwwh no fair can't Kakuzu and Hidan do that. We always clean the bathroom." Deidara whined and waved his arms around. "Why don't you clean the bathroom? I always, always do the bathroom. Come on can't you change it? Make someone else do it!" Itachi ignored Deidara's whining and winked at Sasori. Sasori grabbed Deidara by the wrist and dragged him out of the room toward the bathroom. "I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna!" Deidara kept whining as he was dragged away.

"Ok," snickered Itachi "Kakuzu and Hidan will be scrubbing floors today. The kitchen and the hallways need to be done." Kakuzu and Hidan both nodded stiffly and went to get a bucket and sponges. "Dishes need to be done too!" Itachi turned to Tobi and Zetsu "They need to be done by you. Get too it!" Itachi pointed toward the greasy sink in the kitchen.

"But…" Tobi started

"NO BUTS!" roared Itachi and the two hurried into the kitchen. Now only Konan and Kisame stood before Itachi. "Konan clean up the body and get rid of it. Kisame…" Itachi glanced about to make sure no one was listening. "We're going grocery shopping."

"WAHOO!" Kisame shouted throwing his hands in the air. Itachi glared at him angrily. "Oh I mean, not laundry again." Kisame winked and left the room skipping. He loved grocery shopping.


End file.
